Dear World:

Today is no different from any other day, except for this:
It is the 786th day of my ceaseless efforts to recruit followers for my worldwide movement, to put me (otherwise known as Peaches) in power as Supreme Grand Ruler Of Everything Important, ban stupidity and burn all pickles worldwide.
It's taken us a long time to get here, and we've gotten absolutely nowhere. Three cheers for our determination and refusal to give up a hopeless (if entirely just) cause!
Hoorah!
Hoorah!
Hoorah!
Thank you, loyal followers, for your secret and devoted support. I really wouldn't have done it without you. I look forward to the progress we may or may not achieve in the days to come. Thank you. Thank you.
Your future neighborhood dictator,
Peaches